Friendship...

I’d just like to share a bit on some things I've learnt about friendships. The bible says in Genesis 2:18 that ‘It is not good that the man should be alone.’ God himself noted that it is not good for man to be alone. A lot of the time this verse of scripture is used when talking about marriage, that it’s not good for someone to remain unmarried. That’s debatable, and a topic for another day. My main focus is, God’s solution for ‘aloneness’/loneliness, was not marriage. It was man. He said that it’s not good for man to be alone, and to solve this problem, he created another human. Many people get into opposite-sex relationships so as to curb loneliness. What that does is, when the person discovers something in their partner that they don’t like, or are not comfortable with, they will tend to ignore it and push it under the rug. They compromise their standards in the relationship. This is mainly because they are afraid of being alone/lonely. That may be one of the reasons why some people remain in abusive relationships-fear of being alone. In the Old Testament times, the tabernacle had 3 areas. There was the outer court, the inner court, and the Holiest of Holies (the place behind the veil). This same analogy can be used to describe the kind of friendships we can have. Outer court friends are those who you probably just say hi to. You don’t talk much with them. They could be classmates, workmates, neighbours, etc. These are people you probably know by name, that you greet cordially when you see. One usually has many of these. Then the inner court friends are those you are a bit close to you. You call them every now and then, they may have been to your house once or twice, and you share a bit about your life with them. These are not many but could be quite a number. Then we have the Holiest of Holies friends. These are usually very few. Usually 2, at most 3. These are the friends you’ve allowed to see/know the things that the inner court and outer court friends haven’t seen/known about. These are the friends that can hurt you if they want to, because you’ve been intimate with them and shared a lot, if not all, of your life with them. These are the kind of friendships that beat loneliness. It is important to have this kind of friendships. These friendships fill the void that loneliness creates.

Getting into an opposite sex relationship when one has this kind of friendship is very helpful. One is therefore not dependent on the opposite-sex relationship for a feeling of wholeness. (Going into a relationship because one doesn’t feel ‘complete’ is not the right motive. You should be able to get into a relationship and leave when you feel your standards are not being met (of course reasonable standards). An example is, you may not like how your boyfriend teases you about your weight, or how your girlfriend makes fun of you in front of your friends, but you don’t tell him/her because you don’t want to offend him and you fear he/she might leave you. If one has a solid Holiest of Holies friend, you are able to let go of the uncomfortable relationship (that’s if you’ve tried sorting it out and nothing is changing) and look for another person. You are not dependent on the opposite sex relationship for companionship.

It is wise to pray about these kinds of friendships. If you don’t have a Holiest of Holies friend, I’d advise you to ask God to guide you to getting one. I personally believe it’s important to have someone you can share almost anything with, someone you can be accountable to. I thank God for the friends He’s given me (you know yourselves, I thank God I met you.)

So don’t look for a boyfriend/girlfriend/marriage partner to take away the feeling of loneliness. Locate a friend, a Holiest of Holies friend.

By Michael Kubai